Baby Lani

Today I took a quiz on Facebook about how many kids I should have, the answer was twins.  It stung my heart because five years ago today would be the last day I had twins.

Tomorrow is the five year anniversary of the loss of Henrik's twin Lani. Lani's full name is

Hi'ilani, it is a multi-gender name, which means "held in the arms of heaven". I

wrote a poem dedicated to Lani to remember...in reading this do not mistake my

grief of missing Lani for a lack of love for Henrik. I love him deeply and

wouldn't change my life with him. Henrik is my sweet boy who I love so very

much.
Tomorrow is Easter and so I have hope in Jesus that one day I will hold this baby that my heart longs for....

Lani's Letter

Sweet baby
who is held in the arms
of Heaven...
I ache to hold you in mine,
yet they aren't empty,
but they should be fuller.
You were one of two,
the other half,
without you, it isn't whole.

For a long time,

I could not think of one

without the other...

You and your brother

were a miracle

a 1 in 40,000 chance.

Doctors said you were

impossible,

but for weeks I saw

your hearts together beating strong.

When yours stopped,

my heart broke,

I was filled with sorrow for you and

fear for your brother.

So often I think of you,

dream of you,

wonder about you,

whenever I see twins,

my heart cries out for you.

I know you are okay,

you are happy,

resting in the arms of our Savior.

But still I wonder...

How can you have one without the other?

How can you have such joy for one, yet sorrow for the other?

How can I say hello to one,

while saying goodbye to the other?

One day we will tell your brother

of the friend he lost.

We are so blessed to have him.

Henrik is such a joy.

I wonder if he remembers you

because he always longs to be close

to someone.

I wonder if he will feel a part of
himself is missing.

I wonder if he will long for deep
friendships

like the one you might have had.

I wonder if he will think of you often,

as I do,

Or maybe he will dream of you

like I do.

He is the only one who has truly seen you

and felt you.

Life begins in the womb

and his life began with you.

His first moments were by your side.

Surely in some way he knows the pain

of great loss.

But hopefully he also knows

the healing hands of God.

I have hope for you because I know

one day I will hold you.

By grace,

I will see your face.

Until then,

I will hold you here in my heart,

but knowing, you Lani,

are already held in the arms of one

far greater than I,

You are held

In the arms of Heaven.

The 12 Days of Stephens

If you happen to be my friend on Facebook, then you have seen the updates from the amazing 12 Days of Stephens.  It was put together by neighbors and friends to help bring us some cheer during the holiday season while Collin is overseas.  This was one of the most amazing gifts I have ever received.  It brought tears to my eyes many nights and gave my kids such joy.  We all felt very loved and beyond blessed.  Thank you to everyone who contributed.  We love you!

Here is a video slideshow showing the 12 Days of Stephens...enjoy! 

(PS-thank you John Otterstedt for your technical help)

 

http://vimeo.com/82935696

 

 

 

Henrik's decorating ideas...

 I have no idea when he did this today, maybe during my little nap, he lined the whole set of cabinets.  I didn't notice until after he was in bed.  If you need some baseboard decorating ideas...

This kid always makes me laugh!



Happy Birthday Liam!

Since the hubby is getting ready to go back overseas, I'm going to make an effort to blog more regularly.  It helps him keep up with what he's missing and I miss blogging too!

 

SO...what better to start with than this handsome boy's birthday!

 

He wanted a rocket ship themed party...in part because I found a rocket ship cake pan and cupcake liners on clearance at Michaels and steered him in that direction, but it turned out really fun!

 

Pin the eyeball on the alien!

 

So thrilled to pause for a picture...

Besides having daddy home for his birthday, the favorite part was shooting off the rocket.  Powered with baking soda and vinegar.  Got it on sale at Joann's.

 

 Hope the moms don't hate me for sending home this alien slime!  Complete with bouncy ball eyeballs.

Happy birthday Liam!

We love you!



I remember

Every Sept. 14th I think of you.  I remember.  Though I love the babies that I was given to raise and wouldn't change who they are, I still think of you and miss you.  You are remembered...Zachariah.

The name Zachariah means, "remembered by the Lord"

 

 

Zachariah’s Song

I can’t understand.

God can take a dying man and raise him up to life again.

When all night long I’ve pleaded and cried,
See he’s not just anyone; he’s my son;
But, the Lord gives and takes away, and my heart will choose to say,
Blessed be Your name.

So, this is how it feels when the sacred is torn from you life?
Without you I’m not okay.
I’m broken inside…
Still and filled with pain.
Lord, this ache is just too much for me to take.
These wounds won’t seem to heal.

You see…it’s in the wee small hours of the morning…
That’s the time you miss him most of all.
Every single day, every time I pray I am missing you.
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams,
So, tonight I’ll drift in a dream with you
Because I belong with you.
I have tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone,
But your memory’s so clear.

Where do I go from here?
At the end of your rope when you can find any hope?

I’ll hold tight to what I know…
Time is in His hands, beginning and the end.
Everything He holds in His hand.
You’re here and I’m never alone.
Though my heart holds you just one beat away,
I’ll cry to Jesus and live.
I hear love whisper through the darkest of times, ‘You’ll get through this…’

Lord, where you lead me I will follow.
How beautiful is your unfailing love.
You are my rock.

So, sweet baby, it’s time to say goodbye.
I can’t recreate what just might have been.
Though I belong with you and a breath’s not far to where you are.
I will wait.
I will remember you.
You will remain my forever love, watching me from up above,
Where love will live on and never leave.
So is forever enough?
Cause that’s how long you will be loved.

Collin remembered too...he sent flowers from overseas.



Trouble!!!

 Henrik are you wearing make up???  His reply was definitely no!  Though clearly you can see he is wearing make up!

Henrik are you sure you didn't get into my make up???  He still denied it!  He only admitted it after I made him look at his face in the mirror, he gave in when he knew he could deny it no longer.

Henrik did you paint your nails and this chair and the floor?  An adamant no!

Seriously!?!  This kid will lie to my face and is pretty convincing...if he didn't leave a trail of evidence, he might actually get away with it...I'm in for trouble!

I have not forgotten

Today the heart remembers...

Even four years later, this was on my mind all day.

Today is the four year anniversary of the loss of Henrik's twin Lani. Lani's full name is
Hi'ilani, it is a multi-gender name, which means "held in the arms of heaven". I
wrote a poem dedicated to Lani to remember...in reading this do not mistake my
grief of missing Lani for a lack of love for Henrik. I love him deeply and
wouldn't change my life with him. Henrik is my sweet boy who I love so very
much.

Lani's Letter

Sweet baby
who is held in the arms
of Heaven...
I ache to hold you in mine,
yet they aren't empty,
but they should be fuller.
You were one of two,
the other half,
without you, it isn't whole.

For a long time,

I could not think of one

without the other...

You and your brother

were a miracle

a 1 in 40,000 chance.

Doctors said you were

impossible,

but for weeks I saw

your hearts together beating strong.

When yours stopped,

my heart broke,

I was filled with sorrow for you and

fear for your brother.

So often I think of you,

dream of you,

wonder about you,

whenever I see twins,

my heart cries out for you.

I know you are okay,

you are happy,

resting in the arms of our Savior.

But still I wonder...

How can you have one without the other?

How can you have such joy for one, yet sorrow for the other?

How can I say hello to one,

while saying goodbye to the other?

One day we will tell your brother

of the friend he lost.

We are so blessed to have him.

Henrik is such a joy.

I wonder if he remembers you

because he always longs to be close

to someone.

I wonder if he will feel a part of
himself is missing.

I wonder if he will long for deep
friendships

like the one you might have had.

I wonder if he will think of you often,

as I do,

Or maybe he will dream of you

like I do.

He is the only one who has truly seen you

and felt you.

Life begins in the womb

and his life began with you.

His first moments were by your side.

Surely in some way he knows the pain

of great loss.

But hopefully he also knows

the healing hands of God.

I have hope for you because I know

one day I will hold you.

By grace,

I will see your face.

Until then,

I will hold you here in my heart,

but knowing, you Lani,

are already held in the arms of one

far greater than I,

You are held

In the arms of heaven.